It's been a long time, y'all. A long ass time. So many things have happened this year and I'm just kind of done with 2017. Anyone else or just me? This year has had some great moments and some of the hardest I've gone through. I'm not going to talk about every little thing but kind of skip around to the big things.
Okay, so first of all, Ariel started first grade back in August. She was adorable as always. She went from having a teacher that texted us literally multiple times a day about the kids and requested supplies and events and everything and everything, really, to a teacher I barely know the name of because we don't hear from her. That was an adjustment but whatever. She's not adjusting to school and fully immersed at this point so it's really fine. She is reading like crazy! I think it's her strongest subject so far. She started off first grade reading at a second grade level and blows me away constantly at how quickly she's progressed. Take today, for example. I'm sick and don't have much of a voice so I said she could read to me. She read destination, substitute, bothered, adjusted, telescope, and complaining without sounding any of them out. I was blown away! She's 6!
She is also a super cuddly, snuggly, sweetheart. A few months ago, she said, randomly, "I feel like you're my mom." As a stepmom, I can't tell you how wonderful that is to hear. Then last night, I was giving her a shower and she said, "I kind of want to call you Mommy." I (being of no voice) whispered in her ear "You can if you want to. That makes me happy." She had just written I love you Erika on the shower door but after our little chat, she changed it to I love you Mommy. I am still elated over that. It's always been my dream for someone to call me Mommy so it feels indescribable.
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Along with the great things this year, there has been an absolutely horrible event that has happened. I lost my dad last month. My family and I are still going through an entire range of emotions over it. Let me back up.
Back in the late spring/early summer of this year, my dad randomly had a giant cyst sprout up on his thigh. He went to the doctors and they first gave him some medication to try to see if it would shrink away. When it didn't, they scheduled a surgery to get rid of it. He had the surgery and rehab for it but he changed. He turned into a completely different person in that time. He was always a very loud, obnoxious person who would joke with everyone, tease everyone, but also make everyone feel like family. The person he was after his surgery was quiet, withdrawn, and like a ghost in the room. He no longer was loud, he no longer had any interest in people, including his wife, kids, and grandkids that he had previously treasured. It was just so bizarre. He lived with my mom and didn't even really talk to her. It was just bizarre and we were just waiting for him to come back. The real him. We will never have that back because on November 1st, a few days after my mom's birthday, she found him not breathing. He had taken his life. Loss is already such a hard thing to go through but when someone takes their life and they're close to you, you start wondering what you could have done differently. If you could have done something, anything, to have been able to save him. As hard as it is for me, I can't imagine what my mom must be feeling. I would give anything to take her pain away, to have him back. I want her to be happy and she is really depressed and I just wish I could do something.
It's not fair.
None of this is.
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It's been an interesting year full of good and bad. I really hope 2018 will be better but I feel guilty going into it without my dad. It's not okay. I'm not mad at him. I don't think he was weak. I don't think he was selfish. I think he was depressed because of a chemical imbalance. I'm not a doctor but none of it adds up so that could be why it happened. We'll never know. And it sucks.
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